THE 30 SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLES by Paul Coleman

Author:Paul Coleman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
Publisher: Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Published: 2010-11-02T00:00:00+00:00

Secre t #15

Get a Healthy Perspective on

Your Family of Origin

Did you ever wish that your entire family was the inspiration for a Norman Rockwell painting? Imagine everyone getting together for a holiday, full of love and merriment, warming their hands in front of the hearth on a snowy day. The children—decorated with hot-cocoa mustaches—dart about the country home like rabbits. Friends drop by bearing cookies and fruitcake, shaking the snow from their coats. You can almost smell the turkey and the minty, evergreen wreath; you can almost hear the laughter, the crumpling of the wrappings; everything and everybody mixing together as smoothly as hot butter into cream .

Well, maybe next year.

As appealing as it may be, most of us would be grateful for much less during the holidays. Appreciative children, a friendly phone call, a small but festive meal together, cheery music—we don’t ask for much, and often we don’t even get that.

Holidays are special times for families, complicated by strained family relationships. When warm embraces and hot toddies are replaced by forced smiles and bickering, you can feel grateful when the whole damn day is over and done with.

But leaving your parents and siblings behind after a hard holiday won’t make you more content with life. Unresolved family issues stay with you and keep you discontented. You can’t resolve those problems by ignoring them or living far away from them.

Family Affairs

When did you first feel grown up? After graduation? When you got married? After receiving your first paycheck from a “real” job? Those may be indications of adulthood. But two indications of maturity are: First, viewing your parents realistically—not as perfect, not as totally toxic—but as people with their own strengths and weaknesses. When you can view your parents as they are, not as they once were or how you’d like them to be, you’ve grown up a bit more. A second indication of maturity is the ability to be true to yourself (and less anxious) in your family’s presence. That remains being able to say “yes,” “no,” and “ouch.” It means no longer pretending that all in the family is okay if it is not okay.

When you get married, it’s important to distance yourself from your parents and family somewhat. There is a natural need to bond with your mate, to have room to grow, to become a cohesive twosome, independent from your original families. Remaining connected to your family of origin is important (particularly if you have a supportive, caring family), but the real work is to consolidate your relationship with your spouse. Once that is accomplished (and it could take several years), you reconnect to your family in a different way—less as a son or daughter, more as an adult. Couples on the extreme—either too involved with their original families or too disconnected— will eventually have problems.

Janine came from a “close” family. The three grown daughters had such a positive relationship with their mother that they kept nothing from her. No secret, no marital issue, no personal problem was private where Mom was concerned.

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